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.....



This was our seditious rendezvous
Reaching out to grip each others hands
Spinning round like rotor blades
Sinking in, and for, each others eyes
Moving up and down like a panting lungs
I’m thinking of that lust inclined fixation


You’re the blonde with bottle green observation
Cheeks flushed like lip gloss and rose wine
(Exhaustion paints you so)


I’m inebriated by your constant advances
Holding back while your perfume enthrals
I was stirred and shaken in your wake
That day you found a gun in my bedroom drawer
“What the fuck you need protecting for?”
And I joked and said I had to be protected from you


You never did understand me
I always was a little too ambiguous
Always a question between your reading glasses
So much so that while you smiled your set of pearls
I wondered how much it’d cost
To get a set for myself, perhaps instead in ivory


Now my fingertips are cold, and I have no skin to warm them on
Torn between pages and a supermodel
Trying to find out why she’s stuck and won’t come out
I need somebody to grind against
Wrap my legs around and ride me tonight
But that’s just not happening


......
©2004-2009 ~nubianlover
:iconnubianlover:

Author's Comments

she had bottle green eyes


this one is part written by ~ betweensmiles - so go give the kid a big :kiss:

the pic is of a blonde girl he passed me that he thought would suit the poem - even if she doesn't have green eyes :lol:



oh and this poem is about a girl who tempted me a while back

Comments


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:iconsedatedvamp:
Aww! Cela est si triste. Je suis... a touché. C'est si vrai. Essayer n'ayant jamais à n'importe qui emballer vos jambes environ, bien que. Il arrive, et une telle chose existe. Les nuits solitaires ont dépensé le désir, je vraiment admire ce poème. Vous les deux a fait un reall le bon travail. ^_^

--
"I've wished for this, I've bitched at that
I've left behind this little fact:
You cannot kill what you did not create"
(Slipknot- Duality)
:iconthebodycage:
The last stanza is great.
It just ends on such a different note, not as poetic as the rest of the poem, yet still rhythmic.
I like it's raw sexuality and blatant honesty there.

--
They'll be scraping you off the walls, medicated-sedated-whore!
Sheri J. Vengeance / The Bodycage Media
The Bodycage on Myspace
dark-artists-united
:iconwhisperingraindrops:
..I love it. totally awesome..
and everything I'd say would have to be completely matching what *TheBodycage said.

I love othe rhythm of it... but really, I love how you dont notice the rhythm though... and it quickly pulls you in, and it's just a magnet poem... you're just connected to it... and you can't break away from it.

and the ending is perfect.

I really love this... just brilliantly written:clap:=D great job;-):w00t:

--
"Dont follow my footsteps (I run into walls)."
:iconnubianlover:
i think me and ~betweensmiles have to work on the last stanza but other than that i'm happy with it

thanks for the fantastic comment

--
I am a sub-admin of

~lucky8ballsociety

And a member of

:bulletpurple: ~Soul-Essence
:bulletpurple: *livingpoetsociety
:bulletpurple: ~dark-writing
:iconnubianlover:
thank you so much

that means a great deal to me :hug:

--
I am a sub-admin of

~lucky8ballsociety

And a member of

:bulletpurple: ~Soul-Essence
:bulletpurple: *livingpoetsociety
:bulletpurple: ~dark-writing
:iconnubianlover:
the truth of the poem comes from the fact that each of us (:devbetweensmiles and I) are going through a similar time, however i can't tell you much more than that as it is personal

i'm glad that the experiences i have had can be so poetic, the solitary nights were some of the worst i have had, i feel i make light of them in this poem, kinda making a joke, to soothe my mind

i'm glad you were touched :hug:

and i'm also so glad that you think ~ betweensmiles and I work so well together, perhaps more like this poem will result of our current dilemas

--
I am a sub-admin of

~lucky8ballsociety

And a member of

:bulletpurple: ~Soul-Essence
:bulletpurple: *livingpoetsociety
:bulletpurple: ~dark-writing
:iconbreathheld:
Miss Knightley indeed, eh?

Be careful with the possessive apostrophes; you're missing quite a few. The spelling needs to be tightened.

Moving up and down like a panting lungs
I’m thinking of that lust inclined fixation

doesn't sit well with me. The simile in the former line simply doesn't work not to mention it's fairly weak and fails to convey the excitement and enticement your poet experiences. Moving up and down like should be substituted with stronger verbs and imagery that denotes horizontal movement to mirror the prior lines' action.

Cheeks flushed like lip gloss and rose wine
I appreciate this line, but I would change the simile into a description using "with" in place of like.

Try to stick to one tense-- it seems to work best in the present, which prevents the reader from wandering.

protecting should be exchanged with "protection" for good wordplay and sensual allusion.

So much so that reads better as "So much that".

have no skin to warm them on is awkward, particularly the last clause. It needs more original imagery; use words that connote decay and loss. And yes, that last stanza really chops. You lose steam.

Still, this is an intriguing piece, and I anticipate what revisions you have.

--
Rate # Mentors # Poetry
Sell out!
:iconnubianlover:
thank you very much for the insight

i'll work offline on what you have said and post version 1.1 soon

you could be helpful i'm going to comment on your work as soon as i have time :)

--
I am a sub-admin of

~lucky8ballsociety

And a member of

:bulletpurple: ~Soul-Essence
:bulletpurple: *livingpoetsociety
:bulletpurple: ~dark-writing
:iconamyhittheatmosphere:
I remember B' smiles telling me about this poem! It's turned out great! This one deserves a fav! ;)

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September 12, 2004
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