.....
This was our seditious rendezvous
Reaching out to grip each others hands
Spinning round like rotor blades
Sinking in, and for, each others eyes
Moving up and down like a panting lungs
I’m thinking of that lust inclined fixation
You’re the blonde with bottle green observation
Cheeks flushed like lip gloss and rose wine
(Exhaustion paints you so)
I’m inebriated by your constant advances
Holding back while your perfume enthrals
I was stirred and shaken in your wake
That day you found a gun in my bedroom drawer
“What the fuck you need protecting for?”
And I joked and said I had to be protected from you
You never did understand me
I always was a little too ambiguous
Always a question between your reading glasses
So much so that while you smiled your set of pearls
I wondered how much it’d cost
To get a set for myself, perhaps instead in ivory
Now my fingertips are cold, and I have no skin to warm them on
Torn between pages and a supermodel
Trying to find out why she’s stuck and won’t come out
I need somebody to grind against
Wrap my legs around and ride me tonight
But that’s just not happening
......














Comments
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"I've wished for this, I've bitched at that
I've left behind this little fact:
You cannot kill what you did not create"
(Slipknot- Duality)
It just ends on such a different note, not as poetic as the rest of the poem, yet still rhythmic.
I like it's raw sexuality and blatant honesty there.
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They'll be scraping you off the walls, medicated-sedated-whore!
Sheri J. Vengeance / The Bodycage Media
The Bodycage on Myspace
dark-artists-united
and everything I'd say would have to be completely matching what *TheBodycage said.
I love othe rhythm of it... but really, I love how you dont notice the rhythm though... and it quickly pulls you in, and it's just a magnet poem... you're just connected to it... and you can't break away from it.
and the ending is perfect.
I really love this... just brilliantly written
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"Dont follow my footsteps (I run into walls)."
thanks for the fantastic comment
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I am a sub-admin of
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And a member of
that means a great deal to me
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I am a sub-admin of
~lucky8ballsociety
And a member of
i'm glad that the experiences i have had can be so poetic, the solitary nights were some of the worst i have had, i feel i make light of them in this poem, kinda making a joke, to soothe my mind
i'm glad you were touched
and i'm also so glad that you think ~ betweensmiles and I work so well together, perhaps more like this poem will result of our current dilemas
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I am a sub-admin of
~lucky8ballsociety
And a member of
Be careful with the possessive apostrophes; you're missing quite a few. The spelling needs to be tightened.
Moving up and down like a panting lungs
I’m thinking of that lust inclined fixation
doesn't sit well with me. The simile in the former line simply doesn't work not to mention it's fairly weak and fails to convey the excitement and enticement your poet experiences. Moving up and down like should be substituted with stronger verbs and imagery that denotes horizontal movement to mirror the prior lines' action.
Cheeks flushed like lip gloss and rose wine
I appreciate this line, but I would change the simile into a description using "with" in place of like.
Try to stick to one tense-- it seems to work best in the present, which prevents the reader from wandering.
protecting should be exchanged with "protection" for good wordplay and sensual allusion.
So much so that reads better as "So much that".
have no skin to warm them on is awkward, particularly the last clause. It needs more original imagery; use words that connote decay and loss. And yes, that last stanza really chops. You lose steam.
Still, this is an intriguing piece, and I anticipate what revisions you have.
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Rate # Mentors # Poetry
Sell out!
i'll work offline on what you have said and post version 1.1 soon
you could be helpful i'm going to comment on your work as soon as i have time
--
I am a sub-admin of
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