retitled from the original 'The Fallen Pals Battalion'

i have had the help of ^ndifference in editing it to make it tighter

still needs work - but i need help - and that is where you come in

try to pick out lines and work by these instructions

Leak means the same thing as leak out, so 'out' would be considered padding. ...and then evaporate contains a word of temporality - then - which isn't necessary. The line, tightened up, would read:

Did not leak and evaporate. Not sure about the necessity of "within the instant" (i have got rid of that ) either. It's an awkward double time indicator.

Look at the first line - it's a redundancy. When we remember something, we are, by default, looking back on a time. Similarly, bullet holes is explicit and makes 'through them' a redundancy

do you understand that???? - if you do help out my trying to omit words that are not nessicary, but yet if removed keep the line with the same message

thanks for your help

-=--=--=-

How about a war poem with suitable lingo and an interesting story

help if you can - and i will take the rhyme out of the last stanza i was just trying a new angle and wanted your opinions

N.Y.D.N = Not Yet Diagnosed Neurasthenic

V.A.D = (Voluntary Aid Division). An untrained nurse sent to assist the medical staff at the front and at home.

To read original please go here [link]

well here goes...